She Wont Commit But Wont Let Go

The Dating Nerd is a shadowy figure whose whereabouts and identifying details remain unknown. What we do know is that he is really, really good at dating. He’s been on more dates than you can shake a lengthy bar tab at, and he’s here to help the average guy step his dating game up a notch -- or several.

The Question

Ahhhhh Dating Nerd,

This girl I'm seeing is really great. Like, sometimes I have to pinch myself to make sure I'm awake. We hang out, we text, we go bowling, we hook up, but she won’t commit to me. What the hell am I doing wrong?

- Scared She Won't Commit

The Answer

Dear Scared,

When you say that this girl won’t commit to you, what do you mean exactly? Has she threatened to murder you in cold blood if you ever change your relationship status on Facebook? Has she signed a legal contract saying she’ll never buy you a Valentine’s Day present? Does she have an anaphylactic reaction to the idea of keeping a toothbrush at your place?

I’m assuming not. My assumption is that when you say “She won’t commit,” you mean that she’s implied that she’s not interested in being your exclusive main squeeze, and you haven’t raised much of a protest in response. You haven’t really made a stand. When she said that commitment didn’t entirely appeal to her, you dropped the subject. And you kept going along with the kind of relationship she wants, not the kind of relationship you want.

And it’s, y’know, it’s OK. The sex is good. The conversation is easy. You laugh a lot. You’re proud that people see you in public together. But you’re always in a little bit of emotional pain. You’re entertaining fantasies about vacations together, about the cool apartment you could have, even, God help you, about marriage. Fantasy and reality are painfully close but never quite meet. Meanwhile, you have to put up with the knowledge that she’s probably seeing other guys -- maybe you’re having waking nightmares about whatever goateed douchebag is also seeing her naked. But you put up with this. You don’t tell her, ever, that she has to get serious or get lost.

Now, as cowardly as this is, I get it. Really, I do. You don’t want to freak her out, because you don’t want to lose her. You want to be cool, or low-key, or no-drama, or whatever other synonym for “catatonic” the kids are using these days. You’re worried that if you assert yourself, this beautiful girl will run away to some other milquetoast submissive who will conform themselves to her every desire.

So you’ve settled on an alternate approach -- the long game. This is the plan where you’re just going to keep your non-relationship going, until, someday, she notices that you’re boyfriend material, at which point a full-blown relationship will suddenly bloom. Surely, something will convince her: when she tastes your wonderful spaghetti sauce, or notices your progress at the gym, or sees how much your co-workers like you. At this point, she’ll completely fall in love with you and renounce her easygoing ways.

This seems like the safe, easy option, I know. And I’m sure there are lots of things about you that are worth loving. Your immaculately maintained facial hair, or whatever.

But this kind of long game you’re playing is a guaranteed fail. And a slow one -- a gradual path to more and more misery. If you keep going this way, months from now, you will still be scratching your head, wondering why you can’t lock this girl down. And she’ll still be happy that you’re sleeping with her whenever she wants, without burdening her with the requirement of caring about you. Maybe she’s happily maintaining a roster of two or three dudes, while you’re interested in her, and her alone.

And here’s why: You’re showing her that she does not need to take your desires seriously. That she can get everything she wants, while paying very little attention to your needs. That you were totally cool with the fact that you showed her your heart, and she, in response, asked if you wanted to watch something on Netflix.

Obviously, the way you treat someone affects what they think of you. If you take a girl out for fancy dinners, she’ll assume you have money. If you text a girl in all-caps, she’ll assume you’re an idiot. And if you act like a doormat, well, she’ll assume you’re a doormat.

And once she gets it in her head that you’re that type of person, chances are, that’s what she’ll think of you permanently. People’s minds are hard to change. Think about it: When you go through your day, are you fully considering the humanity of every person you meet, based on all the up-to-date information? No. You’re not a super-computer, you’re just a regular guy who secretly likes Broadway musicals. (It’s OK, really.) You make judgement calls about people, and then update your judgements only if absolutely necessary.

So you’re continuously making an impression -- the impression that you’re a pushover -- every time you answer this girl’s text at whatever-o-clock, and every time you play it cool when she calls some other guy when you’re out together, and every time she flakes out on your plans. And so, every day, it becomes less and less likely that she’ll actually be your girlfriend someday.

Don’t do this. Don’t teach somebody that you’re a feeble person, if you don’t want to be one. Actually act like you mean it. Tell her that the casual thing was fun while it lasted, but you can’t take it anymore. Tell her that she’s great, but if she won’t date you for real, someone else will.

There’s a catch here, though. When you do this, you have to cozy up to the terrifying reality that she might say no. Maybe she actually does not value you enough to be a long-term partner. There’s a possibility that, in her mind, everything you can offer her isn’t worth it -- the multiple orgasms, the Disneyland passes, the private jet flights, whatever.

Embrace it. If she feels this way, you should know -- you should be aware that you have a lot to give, and you should give it to somebody who can take it. If she does not want you, you shouldn’t want her. I know that it might seem painful to go back to online dating apps, or chatting up girls in bars, or even spending a bit of time alone. But it’s better than compromising your dignity. So tell her that you won’t do that anymore. For her sake and yours.

Think you could use some dating help, too? Email the Dating Nerd at .

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